Ugly Feet

After arriving in Pensilvania (a town that my girlfriend used to live in), I discovered that Ana had decided that I needed a pedicure. After kicking, screaming, and crying like a little girl all the way to the shop, she forced me to sit down, shut up, and finally do something about my hideous feet.

I’ll admit it… my feet are pretty ugly. I guess you call it genetics. My dad was nice enough to give me his receding hairline, but I’m not sure who to thank for my feet. So, thank you mom and dad. When I was 12, I was lucky enough to have surgery for an ingrown toe nail. Before that surgery, they were ugly. Afterwards, I looked like a mutant.  I have calluses all over my feet. My toenails grow in random directions.  But by far, the worst is the smell. They smell bad… I mean… really bad.

Ana had been recommending that I get a pedicure ever since I met her. But I’m a man… and men don’t get pedicures. But somehow, she finally convinced me to get one. I only said yes to make her happy, because if she’s not happy, I’m not happy. Before I knew it, I found myself sitting in the chair getting ready for my first, and probably last pedicure.

It was just as I expected. I was sitting in a parlor, a woman working on my feet, Ana laughing hysterically, and gossip was being discussed. The woman working on my toes decided to not take part in gossip, so she outsourced the job to some coworkers. These coworkers were all under the age eight, thus, she did not have to pay them. It was quite smart if you think about it.

The gossip girls were fascinated with the gringo. They told me all about the small town life and different boys they liked. I tried to tell them that all boys are bad, but they would not hear of it. I then told the girls to call their boyfriends, because the gringo needs to meet them and cast his approval. They told me to shut up, so of course, I obeyed. The rest of the time spent there was everyone laughing at how ugly my feet actually are.

The woman could not understand why my feet were shaped the way they were. In order to trip the nails, she had to pull out a saw because they were so thick. She spent about ten minutes trying to sand down my calluses, but finally gave up and said it was impossible. When she pulled out the pink nail polish, I threw a fit. Ana tried talking me into it, but there are certain things a man should not do, and that is where I drew the line.

We finally finished the ordeal, and I’ll admit it, I was quite impressed. Instead of my feet being hideous, they were just pretty damn ugly. And you know what… I’ll say it. The experience was quite enjoyable. And who knows… maybe I will starting getting a weekly pedicure.


Filed under Bogota, Colombia

5 responses to “Ugly Feet

  1. rynjhnsn

    Tear a corner of the man card. Maybe two.

  2. Dad

    that is funny….
    get a job…a real job…lol
    Love Dad

  3. Ana

    Eric! as i deny the fact I said my abuelo hates all gringos, you are denying the fact that you where the one with the idea of a pedicure lol but it was deninitely comical! 😛

  4. Mallory

    Oh your square toe nails… you do have ugly feet.

  5. Andrew

    No shame in getting a pedi – I love ’em. Once you get over the whole “I’m too much of a man to get a pedicure” thing, you come to realize that outsourcing the maintenance of your feet is the best idea since sliced bread. Welcome to the club my friend.

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